My marriage is a bit different than most marriages. How so? Most women probably wake up everyday and get ready for work with their spouse. They probably watch him dress up in a suit and tie and head out with his briefcase in hand. Me, I get ready for work alone.
Sometimes my husband gets up and sometimes he doesn’t. When he doesn’t; I let him sleep and I gently kiss him goodbye for the day. When he does, he is usually downstairs in his robe and slippers feeding the cats and making me a fresh cup of coffee. He doesn’t go to work, so he usually tries to wake up for my benefit.
By the time I leave, he is by the door still in his robe, hugging me and wishing me a wonderful day. It takes me a few minutes to leave because we exchange the words, “I love you” for about 3 minutes on my way out the door. I see his face through the glass door, smiling and waving.
The Tears Come
There are mornings when I just smile and wave back, thinking of how much I love him. His smile brings so much happiness into my heart. Then, there are the mornings that I smile, wave back, get in the car and cry all the way to work.
Most women would think I was crying because my husband is lazy and doesn’t want to work. However, it’s the complete opposite. I am crying because my husband does want to work…but he can’t, because there are too few employers who understand traumatic brain injury. He could possibly get through the door for an interview and achieve the job offer - but when he begins the job and his disability begins to show, he gets fired.
The Struggle to Work
Most of the time during my emotional ride to work, I try to do everything in my power to think of ways to self-employ my husband. I try to think of ways for us to make more money than my $10 an hour. I have even tried to have other business people that I know help me. When I ask them if they know anyone who needs help in business, they know a ton of people and they even offer to send out my husband’s resume. When they find out that my husband has a head injury, suddenly they don’t know anyone and they become no help to either of us.
Worrying over Money
I go throughout the day doing my work, but occasionally reverting back to our worries. I think about the five years that he invested in college after his accident. He holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Business and Public Relations and he can’t even make use of it, because no one will give him a chance. The $30,000 student loans will probably never get paid, so they continue to hound us. We get a statement for $375 a month and we can’t afford it. If we pay the student loan, we don’t eat that month. The student loan company will not negotiate with us and no physician will sign a paper to dismiss his loan because the physicians here don’t know enough about head injuries. They think he’s faking his behavior. Again, I feel my eyes welling up with tears. This time, I am at work though and there are too many people around. I can’t let them see me like this.
I call him throughout the day to make sure that he is okay. I know he’s bored. He sounds frustrated each and every time I talk to him. I tell him how much I love him and we look forward to our time together when I get home in the evening. When I hang up the phone, I am back to thinking of how much I wish there was something I could do for him. I wish that I were a big executive who made a lot of money, so that he wouldn’t have to worry. Unfortunately, I’m not and I probably never will be.
Giving My Love
Instead, I offer him my unconditional love and compassion. I remind him every day of how smart and handsome he is, and of all of the little things he does that mean the world to me. Sometimes not having money makes us reflect on the things that really matter in life.
We barely make it, but there is something that keeps us going. Our love and understanding for one another has made us a very strong couple. We know that we will never be rich and we know that we will always struggle financially unless a miracle happens. Since our happiness does not come from monetary sources, we tend to take a closer look at reality. We agree to never give up.
My husband doesn’t give me $1,000 and send me on a shopping spree, nor does he buy me diamonds and fur coats. What he does do is make me that coffee in the morning. He picks wildflowers for me. He does dishes for me. He cooks on the grill and he feeds the cats. He greets me in the evening and holds me by the door telling me how complete he is now that I am home. I feel the same. When he hugs me, I never want to let go. Suddenly I feel an overwhelming sense of safety. When he hands me a flower, I want to preserve it forever and I never want it to die. However, when it does, he picks another one. He continually brings happiness into my heart. I could never give up on him, as he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Rich or poor, the love we have for one another is real. I married the right man and no matter how bad it is, we always have each other. We hold one another, we allow one another to dream and we continue to breathe together. I hope the rest of the spouse caregivers can feel as lucky as I do, despite all the hardships.
Publishing/Training, Inc.
Anne's husband, Paul Gianni, is now the Editor for our Survivor Forum and has contributed many articles along with his special perspective. He has contributed many articles.
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