Introduction
As survivors and caregivers, we each have our own view and interpretation of what happens in our lives. Amid our various struggles and attempts to get through the day, we often neglect to consider, or we misunderstand, what the other person is feeling. The caregiver may be consumed with thoughts of earning money, paying bills, organizing meals, and making sure the survivor’s vocational and recreational needs are met. There are always countless other things that occasionally are done at the caregiver’s expense of their own welfare.
Hospitals Create Dependency
Nurses, doctors and therapists try to assist patients in their activities of daily living while in the hospital. The goal of this treatment is to ensure safe practices while accomplishing routines such as hygiene, dressing, properly using prostheses and so on. Nobody, particularly the survivor, benefits from accidents such as a fall in the shower or a tumble while putting on clothes. A negative result can occur when the survivor relies on the assistance rather than taking initiative to strive for independence.
Somewhat necessarily but unfortunately, the hospital and medical staff may create a level of dependency for the survivor. Some survivors are unable to think beyond their own immediate needs and are unable to restrain themselves or their wants. This can be a big source of conflict once the survivor and caregiver try to adjust to living together again at home.
Communication and constant reminders between survivors and caregivers are paramount because each is bombarded with many different thoughts. While the caregiver may be thinking constantly about the needs of the survivor, caregivers are occasionally left feeling guilty when they take a moment to address their own needs and/or wants.
Accomplishing Goals
For example, the caregiver may notice the survivor frequently having some difficulty in a specific area. One of them may assume at first that it would be easiest to circumvent the problem by removing the obstacle. The other may be more determined to see the survivor overcome any and all obstacles. Both share the desired result. The only thing that differs is their means of accomplishing this end.
The survivor may wish to see the caregiver remove the barrier out of compassion. Whereas the caregiver sees compassion as the strength to support the survivor, rather than do everything for him. An example is dealing with the obstacle of climbing a set of stairs. The survivor may wish to accomplish this task independently, yet the caregiver may want to make everything accessible on the primary floor (or vice versa).
Difference of Opinion
A fine and constantly changing balance must be struck in meeting the survivor’s needs and allowing some autonomy. The caregiver may be concerned with the survivor’s safety after witnessing what appears to be unsound and/or irrational behavior, yet the survivor may claim to be in complete control.
A point of contention between them may be whether the survivor’s faculties are that keenly in tune with the environment and all the possible hazards that lay in wait. As an example, I will refer to myself crossing the street in downtown Rutland, Vermont. While traffic is far from heavy and the overwhelming majority of drivers are courteous, my wife fears an inattentive driver will strike me. Meanwhile I contend that I am not a thirty-five year old child and she has no reason for concern. But she is my wife …
Another persistent problem I have experienced in my marriage relates to contributions. I am not necessarily referring to only money, but also include household chores. On many occasions I have felt as if I am not doing my share because, in actuality, I am lazy. I do not know why this is so, but unfortunately it is. While I would desperately like to participate in activities around the home and/or assist with the finances, I constantly get sidetracked, disturbed or otherwise lose focus of my original plan. Yes, this is symptomatic of brain injury survivors, yet I feel I am far enough along in my recovery that I should be able to function in a positive manner.
A Way to Fix It
We all have areas in which we do not excel. We must understand our limitations, but simultaneously try to grow from this point. If survivors and caregivers can recognize the strengths and weaknesses, perhaps compensatory strategies or tools can be used to make up for the shortcoming. For example, posting a note on the refrigerator, where one will go when hungry, can alert the individual to tasks that should be accomplished. Another is to keep a tablet, dry-erase or chalkboard near the door to remind survivors of things before they leave – things such as keys, appointment books, or other necessities.
Another Solution
One tool that has helped us work around the contribution problem is a list. I often ask my wife to makes a list of things she would like me to accomplish before she gets home. After I complete each task, I cross it off. I will not mark it as completed before I finish the chore because if the phone rings, the mail gets delivered, the cat gets into something or I otherwise get distracted, I may wrongly think I have finished it and move to the next item. I want to maintain a strict focus on my work lest it be neglected or performed haphazardly. As odd as it may sound, I have forgotten to eat or failed to recognize my hunger due to my concentration.
Use Your Imagination
Above are listed a few ideas that help me remember when and what to do. Each individual is limited only by his or her own mind. If something you have used in the past is still applicable, use that strategy. If not, perhaps it can be modified to fit the new person you are today.
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