I Just Say It!
July 13th, 2010 |
Categories: Adjustment, Brain Injury Survivor Support Forum, Communication |
5 Comments |
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iS It A crImE tO sAy WhAt comEs to mInd?
By Jeff Therrien
I began wondering why I need to be so careful with what I say. I forever question myself strongly; this often takes over my thought process. I am very fortunate to believe that everything happens for a reason. I am also very fortunate to have a comedic relationship with the spirit within. I came to a wild discovery while explaining all of this to a dear friend of mine. Early on I convinced myself that my voice no longer belonged entirely to me. Now the question is; when do I take it back?
I just say it!
What I am referring to is the ‘no-filter’ clause which is a very common symptom with most forms of brain trauma. This means when a thought comes to mind, it is spoken before given the chance to consider whether or not it should be. The following exercise may clarify. Think of someone you may despise. What is the first thought that comes to mind? Now imagine you said that to this person. I have walked away from several conversations only to look back and wonder why on earth I said what I said. This has happened with family members, friends, clients, and of course, prospective clients. I will admit I have left many conversations feeling cold. Fortunately for me I know many forgiving souls.
Letting go of my voice was not a justification. It was more about self forgiveness and realizing “that wasn’t me.” Every other alternative I came up with was an attempt to control something that was out of my hands. Some may laugh when I mention the ‘no-filter clause,’ and I can assure you some may even envy me. Imagine for one moment letting it all out, all the things you’ve wanted to say to this person or that person over the years with no control. This is one of the tougher symptoms of brain trauma. Even those who understand this may have been hurt.
I’ve become much better over time, yet sometimes I slip and throw another dagger. I’ve learned in moments of fatigue or over confidence, my new filter may be out to lunch. What can I say? I often have trouble believing my brain is still healing, until I look back at moments that are far out of character.
I apologize to just about everyone I have had a conversation with over the past two years, as I’m sure a dagger of brutal honesty was thrown your way. I hope some good came of all this, as I still need to believe that “It wasn’t me.”
The lesson: letting go.
thank you so much for this post..my brother had a injury at age 10 now his 21..and his really changed in the last 2 years…just OUT of contorl..says what he wanst and when he wants…we dont know what to do? he doesnt work or want to go to school and he almost sounds like his really 15..when he speaks..
Funny I found this today, when I experienced both sides of this. The first side being that I alienated someone and felt awful about it and frustruated with myself, wishing I knew how to operate this new brain. The second side being in divorce court, when I told the judge EXACTLY what I wanted to without fear of not being nice. In all my pre- TBI hearings I couldnt do this. I walked out of there saying “I love my new brain!”. It has a keen BS detector and isnt afraid to call it.
Wow! Thank you so much for writing this. You may have just saved my fiancé’s entire family relationship. He has actually had several head injuries. All of which should have killed him, but he is a very stubborn man and has managed to walk away from them all. The last one was 8 years ago. It crushed his entire face and he has a 4 inch plate in his head. The man refuses to go on disability and still works as a mechanic. Because of his “I just say it” problem, he has nearly been excommunicated from his entire family. We have been friends for 28 years and I seem to be the first person to figure out that his verbal assaults are due to his head trauma. And it took me a while. I’m going to print this and give it to his mother. Maybe it will at least help to know that he doesn’t always have control of what comes out of his mouth. Of course, it’s worse if he drinks.
With problem of “letting go”. How do you manage that? He gets these ideas in head sometimes, about things that may or may not have happened, and he can’t let them go. Sometimes they build up for weeks and then he just goes off on somebody. Fortunately I am not the target. It’s generally one of his family members. But even after he’s blows off steam, he still stews for days, sometimes weeks. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Jeff gives a great perspective and insight into the challenges of living with brain injury. We welcome him as a new author on the Survivor Support Forum.
I hope this article clarifies a little about the growth process a TBI survivor may go through. I find myself forever attempting to drop barriers I’ve built and move on. I’ve learned to accept mistakes will happen, and there is only one way to test the waters; letting go.