Hockey after Brain Injury

A Tough Good-bye

By Jeffrey Therrien

Underlying Obstacles

Different obstacles seem to have an affect on one another. I discovered that the inability to connect things matched up with a short-term memory problem often has me believing the hill is too hard to climb. Although frustrating, the first step is to redefine myself post-injury. On May 1^st 2008 I fell seventeen feet through a commercial roof top onto concrete. I broke seven ribs, tore my right rotator cuff, and yes, my head met the floor as well. 

One example I can share to dissipate confusion is hockey. I love the game of hockey for many reasons, I have been playing since I could walk and I have two older brothers and a mother who shared their passion with me. One year after the accident I tried to get back on the ice with some great friends of mine to have a little fun and get some exercise. I told myself going in that I did not have to go full bore, and came to discover 110% is the only way I know how to play. Two things happened as a result.

I discovered I had a short temper that was far out of character for me. So short that by the time I realized I was angry, I was way beyond the line we all know we shouldn’t cross. As far as the details of the incident, lets just say a few unnecessary words were spoken and perhaps a hockey punch or two. This came to no surprise to anyone as the rules change on the ice; players have come to accept it as un-chartered territory. The point I’m trying to make was although no one seemed upset, I knew internally I had reached a point where I was completely out of control and only had access to the fight or flight part of my brain. As tough as it was to walk away, knowing it was the only solution for now, I did exactly that.

Unexpected Fatigue

The second problem I encountered was debilitating fatigue in the days that followed. I walked off of the ice feeling relaxed and well, only to find myself unable to think straight in the coming days. One of the tougher things to handle with a brain injury is that when exhaustion hits, it takes about two weeks to feel like oneself again. I’ve caught myself over the edge many times with feelings of anxiety and depression simply due to an exhausted brain. I had many ways to inspire myself to take action before my accident. Books, music, movie clips, a short walk or even talking to an old friend. These no longer work. I’m just now on the tail end of a weariness spell. The only solution I’ve come up with is to warn myself ahead of time. I still feel odd telling myself to let go of my aspirations for the next two weeks after one bad night’s rest. If I don’t relax, I will push myself harder and harder only to end up feeding the beast and inviting it in for an extended stay.

Learning to avoid fatigue and rage is an important part of healing my brain and my life. Apparently I need to continue to learn and relearn some lessons more than others. I completely forgot my first hockey experience and two months later, when another friend asked me to play, I said Yes. All I thought of from my previous experience was being tired after playing, so I assumed that my body and mind had healed and changed since then. I figured this time I will have more energy and be all set to play without issues. I did not remember the moment of complete anger and lack of access to my logical self until about ten minutes after history repeated itself again. “Oh yeah” I thought to myself, “I can’t play this game; someone may get hurt.”

A Lesson Learned

Now for round three, only this time in a floor hockey league. Towards the end of a game the slightest provocation switched me into the warrior mentality of life or death, fight or flight. I had failed to remember the important lessons I learned in my previous two hockey adventures until a few minutes after an altercation. Hockey and I were forced to split ways again.

The reason I’m writing this entry is to force myself to understand and remember that playing hockey is not in my best interest right now. As for the reader seeking to understand a little bit about brain injuries, imagine a life where highly emotional moments have a way of escaping the memory until being placed back into that intensified flash. To speak of and be told of the severity of my emotions on the ice isn’t enough to make me remember, nor is an invite to play again…it simply isn’t enough. I had to repeat the experience to relearn the lessons, and then write this entry to remember to say “no” to hockey.

The Tough Good-Bye

One of the toughest decisions I’ve made over the past two years was to stop playing my favorite sport, and I had to make it three times. I love the game, yet I pray this is my last good- bye.