Chapter 4 Coping with Fear
Coping Skills
By now, you might be asking yourself questions like these: “Suppose I do everything I can to strengthen my partner and myself and I complete all my action plans, and I’m still afraid? Suppose fear strikes me when I’m driving or when I don’t have time to complete the recommended exercises? Suppose I go into a panic over those parts of my fears over which I have no control? How can I help myself then?”
Here, you will learn some ways to cope with such difficult situations. None of the suggested coping skills can eliminate your fears entirely. However, they can reduce the intensity of your fears, thus rendering them more manageable. Even a slight reduction in your fear level can make the difference between losing your emotional and mental control and having the ability to control your behavioral reaction to your fears.
For example, suppose news of an off-duty police officer being shot sends your heart rate soaring. Since your partner just telephoned you and you know he’s safe, you tell yourself not to panic, but you panic anyway. You put the car keys in the freezer because your attention is a million miles away. You reassure yourself that you’re not that upset, and then break a dish, yell at the mailman, and spill the garbage. When you find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator looking for something to eat even though you just ate, you finally admit you’re beginning to lose control. At this point, using a coping skill can prevent you from doing more serious damage to your property or yourself. If you had used a coping skill after the first spike in your fear level didn’t evaporate, you might have avoided spilling the garbage and the other minor mishaps.
If you use all the coping skills you learn from this book or other sources and you still find yourself trembling inside, don’t become discouraged. If you were able to weather the storm of your fear without harming yourself, another person, or any other living being, you can consider yourself a success. The fact that you tried to help yourself rather than standing by helplessly while your fear threatened to engulf you is an affirmation of your inner strength.
Acceptance
Fear is exhausting; fighting it, even more exhausting. If there is one “rule” to observe, it’s that fear is normal. If, you believe, on some level, that fear is a sign of cowardice, weakness or mental illness, then none of the methods in this or other books will be effective. If you continue to scold yourself for being afraid, you’ll use up your valuable energy to undermine your self-confidence instead of applying it to manage your fears. Courage isn’t so much the absence of fear, but trying – and notice I said “trying” – to maintain your integrity and act wisely in spite of your fear. A disabled combat veteran once told me, “Anyone who’s stared death in the face and says he’s never been afraid is a liar.”
