This book was written for you if you are suffering from the aftereffects of having been physically and/or psychologically abused by your husband, boyfriend, or other intimate partner. These aftereffects include symptoms that may continue long after you have left an abusive relationship. Examples of some of these symptoms include
These aftereffects are quite predictable and often occur as a collection of symptoms called post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
This book is intended primarily for women who were previously abused by an intimate partner but are now safely out of the relationship. The book may also be helpful for women suffering from post-traumatic stress related to another kind of traumatization – including rape, incest, serious accidents, or the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one.
We are aware that intimate partner abuse can and does occur in same-sex relationships as well as in heterosexual relationships. In fact, we have conducted cognitive trauma therapy with several clients who were abused by a same-sex partner. For ease of communication, however, we always refer to the perpetrator as “he” or “him” and the victim or survivor as “she” or “her.”
Finally, this book may also be useful for victim services providers in their work with battered women. The exercises in this workbook can be easily adapted for use in a group format, in support groups, or at shelters for battered women.
An Overview of this Workbook
In chapter 1, you will learn about symptoms of PTSX and evaluate whethe4r you may be suffering from PTSD. You will also learn that PTSD is a normal reaction to extreme stress and why trauma produces the same kinds of symptoms or reactions in everyone.
In chapter 2, we discuss self-advocacy and how you can empower yourself by becoming your own strongest advocate. In a self-advocacy exercise, we will ask you to evaluate the strength of your beliefs about twenty-five self-advocacy strategies; each of these strategies can empower you and will be important for you to adopt.
Chapter 3 is about anger, which is a common issue for women with PTSC. We discuss several reasons why holding onto anger is not in your best interest and that letting go of anger involves a conscious decision or choice.
In chapter 4, you will learn a technique for monitoring or keeping track of your negative self-talk. To help you become a happier person, we will identify several words and phrases for you to never say or think again. In chapter 5, we will then try to maximize your motivation for breaking negative self-talk habits by providing many reasons why these bad habits drag you down and interfere with your ability to think clearly.
In chapter 6, you will learn about stress, another common symptom of PTSD, and how you can control how you feel by relaxing your muscles.
In chapter 7, you will learn more about PTSD and why thinking and talking about what happened are essential to your full recovery. You will learn that avoiding memories and other reminders of your trauma provide only temporary relief and that behaviors which provide relief are usually not in your best interest.
In chapter 8, you will learn about learned helplessness, which explains why many formerly battered women often feel overwhelmed and believe they are unable to overcome obstacles in their lives. You will learn about the importance of adopting a solution-oriented attitude, which focuses on ways problems can be solved rather than on reasons why they can’t be solved.
Chapters 9 and 10 focus on guilt. Trauma survivors tend to exaggerate the importance of their role in trauma and experience guilt that has no logical basis. In chapter, 9, you will learn that guilt can be best understood by breaking it apart and examining each of its parts separately. In chapter 10, we will help you get rid of your guilt. We will identify and help you correct numerous thinking errors that have led to you experience guilt.
In chapter 11, we will ask you to critically challenge several “supposed to” beliefs, the kind of beliefs that lead many battered women to stay in an abusive relationship.
In chapter 12, you will learn about assertiveness and how to identify disrespectful or aggressive speech in others. You will learn how to get your wants and needs met by being assertive and how to not tolerate disrespect from anyone.
Chapter 13 is an extension of the assertiveness chapter. You will learn how to effectively manage stressful and unwanted interactions with former partners.
In chapter 14, we will assign you exercises for exposing yourself to reminders of abuse and your abuser, which will enable you to overcome your fears and to grieve your losses (such as the loss of a marital dram).
In chapter 15, you will learn how to identify potential perpetrators and avoid revictimization. You will learn about numerous red flags that indicate a suitor has the potential to become abusive. Then, you will learn how to determine whether someone is a potential abuser – early in the relationship – when he is charming and may seem too good to be true.
In chapter 16, you will complete the self-advocacy exercise for a second time and see how you have changed since you started this book. If you are, like most of the women who have completed cognitive trauma therapy (CTI), you will find that self-advocacy strategies are no longer foreign to you and that advocating in empowering and feels good.
Whom This Book Can Help
This book is for formerly battered women. Many of the things that we teach and recommend women to do could conceivably jeopardize the safety of a woman who is an abusive relationship. For example, we recommend that women make getting their own wants and needs satisfied a top priority. We advocate that they not tolerate disrespect. This kind of self-advocacy could be potentially dangerous in an abusive relationship. On the other hand, assertive and self-advocacy strategies are good for women who are out of abusive relationships or may be in the early stages of a relationship with a new man. Such strategies can help you avoid ever being victimized again.
It would be difficult, if not impossible, to eliminate PTSD in a woman who is in an ongoing abusive relationship, even if the abuse only occurs once in a while. People do not get over PTSD if the threat of retraumatization looms or if retraumatization occurs. We will illustrate with an example of combat trauma. Let’s say a soldier was traumatized and developed PTSD after his unit was ambushed and several of his buddies killed. Let’s say we pull him off the front line, provide him with rest and recreation, treat his post-traumatic stress, and then send him on another combat mission, in which more people in the unit get killed. Do you think his PTSD will go away or not come back? Not very likely! If trauma or the threat of trauma is ongoing, it may be extremely difficult to help someone get over their PTSD, it may not even be adaptive to recover. It may be more adaptive to remain emotionally shut down in order to reduce the emotional impact of subsequent trauma than to open up and experience the full emotional hurt of subsequent trauma.
A cautionary note; our intervention research has focused on women who are no longer in an abusive relationship and are relatively safe. This workbook is based on that research. If you try to implement our strategies while you are in a relationship with an abusive or potentially abusive person, it is extremely important that you be in contact with a victim services provider and have a safety plan.
