Excerpts

Introduction

By Laura E. Marshak, Ph.D.

There is a general notion that having children with disabilities puts such a strain on a marriage that it places it at great risk. Many people expressed this view to us during the preparation of this book, regardless of whether they were actually experiencing a weakened marriage. For example, one mother wrote:

“I have a three year-old with CP [cerebral palsy] and I think one of the benefits of having children with special needs is that it forces you to communicate with your spouse. There is constantly something going on that you need to confer about. In the same way though, it diverts your communication from topics such as each other, the marriage, other kids. I know the divorce rate is extremely high among couples with special needs children and I know that I am lucky to have my marriage intact after three years of this.”

Another woman, upon entering a support group, recalled being greeted by another mother of a child with a disability: “Are you divorced yet? You will be.”

Definitive statistics on the divorce rate of couples with children with disabilities are not available but there is general consensus that it is somewhat higher than in families with typical children. We do know that the divorce rate is terribly high for marriages in general it is reported as approximately 50 percent for first marriages a close to 75 percent for second marriages.

For readers who are beginning the journey that disability brings, it is likely that some of you may feel it is impossible to cope with your situation and sustain a marriage. This feeling is not unusual because this phase can initially cause intense upheaval that may affect marriage. Over time, however, many marriages thrive.

We heard from a great number of husbands and wives who report healthy marriages while raising children with disabilities. 1\ of the children had multiple and/or severe disabilities as illustrated in the following example:

“I myself am disabled (late deafened) and have two daughters who are also disabled. The children: our seven-year-old daughter (adopted, profound mental retardation, CP, heart defects, and chronic lung disease); a five-year-old biological son (no disabilities); and our three-year-old biological daughter (imperforate anus, developmentally delayed, speech delayed, auditory neuropathy, motility problems, swallowing problems, 0 tube fed, chronic constipation, reflux, mitochondrial disease and reflex epilepsy). We have gone through a lot with all of our children and surprisingly enough our marriage has grown stronger.”

While many couples report increased closeness and strength, many others experience serious negative effects, at least initially.

“I am the mother of a beautiful five-year-old boy with Down syndrome. Since my son was born, my husband and I haven’t been close and we don’t really talk. I can’t help but feel anger toward my husband.”

Many marriages become extremely rocky in the early stages of adjusting but later change in positive ways:

“Our marriage is stronger than ever. In the beginning, it was very hard because I had such a hard time accepting the diagnosis. I even looked into adoption, which my husband totally opposed. He said he’d do it if I insisted, but such a decision, I am sure, could have destroyed our marriage. In the beginning the fact that we weren’t on the ‘same page’ made me feel more alone. In the long run, I appreciate and gain strength from his solid optimism and unconditional love. As it turns out we now both adore our son.”

I’ve been married for eight years. When we first brought our baby home all I could think of was divorce (and just the thought terrified me). But we were in a very stressful situation. We have a good strong marriage. It is not perfect and we are not happy all the time but we tend to each other’s needs as best we can and share the joy our daughter has brought us.”

Often the impact on a marriage is mixed in terms of both positive and negative effects:

Having a child with autism has put a strain on the marriage. We have our good days as well as our bad days. I feel that the strain is mainly due to the fact that taking care of a child with autism is an added fulltime job. This tends to wear you out both mentally and physically. There are periods when we go through bouts of depression as well as anger. And yet we have become better people and appreciate the simple things in life as well as every new accomplishment our son achieves.”