Excerpts

Introduction

The bond between a parent and a child is very special and unlike any other relationship. Mother and daughter, father and son, mother and son, father and daughter – each relationship is special and unique to each family.

When a parent has a brain injury, the family is changed. Some changes are temporary; others last a lifetime. This can be a very confusing time – for parents and for their children. No matter what age children are, they will have questions. This guide was written to help families answer some of those questions including, “What do I tell my children? How can I help them understand?” and “What do we do now?”

Some children have a parent with a traumatic brain injury. Others have a parent who has had a stroke, aneurysm or anoxia. Others have a parent with a blast injury. Some have a parent with post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD). Some parents have visible signs of an injury or disability. They look different, so it is obvious they have been hurt. Some have broken bones or need surgery. Other parents look the same, so it is harder for their children to understand what it means to have a brain injury. Children can readily understand why mom needs to use crutches because she broke her ankle or dad needs extra sleep because he had surgery. It’s harder to understand why mom is mad most of the time or dad jumps at loud noises and has nightmares.

The most frequent comment by children of all ages - youngsters, preteens and teenagers - is that, “No one else understood” what it was like for them when mom or dad was injured. Many children have said, “Our family was never the same. It changed our lives forever.” Much of the content for this guide is based on interviews with sons and daughters. Their courage to speak out and share their experiences, emotions, hopes and fears is applauded.

The crisis of brain injury forces many children to grow up quickly. They often become more independent and self-reliant at an early age. Caring for younger siblings, preparing meals, doing laundry, and going to school are often seen as reassuring signs of coping by relatives. Yet while children “do the things that need to be done,” they often feel confused, alone, angry, and sad. Too often, there is little time or opportunity for families to talk because they are struggling just to get through the day.

Children often feel lost or forgotten because they often do not receive the same and consistent level of parenting they had prior to a parent’s brain injury. Seeing the stress and worry among relatives and family members, children often hesitate to express their needs. Instead, they hold their fears and feelings inside and learn too late that not talking only makes them feel more cut off. Unfortunately, the adults (parents, family and friends) can mistake this silence as “coping” when in fact it isn’t coping at all.

Life may not be the same ever again. A parent’s return home from the hospital or rehabilitation program usually signals excitement and hope for the family that life will get better now. But it can also be mixed with sadness and uncertainty. Hope grows with signs of a parent’s progress toward recovery. Yet at the same time, there are daily reminders of how much a parent has changed. Coming home is the beginning of a new journey.

How to Use This Guide

Each chapter has a section with “tips” or practical strategies for children, parents and professionals. This guide can be used several ways…

§ Parents reading this guide will find insights into the needs of their children for support, information and guidance. This guide is not written for children, but each chapter has a section called “Tips for Children”. Parents can use these suggestions in conversations with their children.

§ Do the exercises with your children. These exercises are intended to open the lines of communication between the uninjured parent, the injured parent and the children. They will help increase your children’s awareness about how they feel.

§ Health care professionals and educators will learn methods for helping children of all ages cope with the changes in their families and lives.

§ Families of veterans and service members will find information to help their children when a parent has been injured or has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).