We are connected to our brain injuries
Is there anyone among us who has had a brain injury who is not sensitive to what other people say about us? It is a fact that we are possessive and emotionally connected to our brain injuries; and with good reason. We are understandably sensitive (some would say, hypersensitive) when others make offhanded comments or broad statements that can cause us to feel defensive, not understood or trivialized.
Although the person making these comments may feel they are just innocent observations, we hear them as assaults on our integrity, our strength and our motivation.
So, what should we do?
There are two ways we might respond. We could say nothing and stew inside, or we could attempt to explain ourselves by sputtering out some kind of emotional response; even as our face turns red and we feel like we’re about to burst a blood vessel.
If we take the “high” road and don’t respond, then we’re left with a mind full of conflicted and angry thoughts that boil over at the wrong time. Or we beat ourselves up mercilessly for being this way and for not responding.
If we choose to respond directly to their words, and we try to explain ourselves, we are choosing to engage in a battle we can’t win.
In order to respond properly, we need to be driven, not by the desire to correct the person, or to prove ourselves, but by the need to claim our personal space and retain our dignity. If we respond directly to what was said, we are giving validity to their words and making them important. Instead, we should respond to what is behind the words, or what is driving their comment. This way we avoid having to explain ourselves, which would only put us on the defensive, as though we have done something wrong.
Brain injury is unexplainable
We need to understand there is no way the enormity of the effects of a brain injury can be explained in a way that makes sense to anyone. We are never going to make sense to anyone who is not inclined to take the time to actively listen. Plus, you don’t want to put yourself in the position of having to convince somebody, because right from the beginning you’re putting yourself in a position of weakness. You risk coming across as a whiner and a person with problems.
I’ll give you an example of something that happened to me. About 10 years ago I was in a cigar bar, having a conversation with a middle-aged woman and her husband. She was asking me all kinds of questions, and somehow the conversation ended up on my brain injury, and the fact that I was on disability. She looked at me and with a knowing smile said something like, “You did a good job.”
To me, she was inferring that I was really okay and had somehow wrangled my way onto disability. Not knowing what else to do, I stood up and left, feeling edgy and discombobulated. As I drove away, I began fuming over what she had said and how I had “let” her drive me away. At that point I decided I needed to go back.
She looked surprised when I opened the door and came in. Without hesitation, I walked over to her and said, “That was a pretty stupid thing to say.” .
She said nothing.
I fully expected to get punched out by her husband, but he surprised me by reaching over to me and extending his hand. I shook it and walked out. Although I didn’t directly respond to her statement, I responded to her, emphatically. In my mind, the situation was resolved and I was at peace.
Speak up for yourself
Let’s look at this from its beginning. It really didn’t matter what she thought or why she thought it. I needed to do this for myself. I was not going to sit there and argue with her about why I was disabled, because I don’t believe in having to justify myself to anyone. Having a brain injury is a truth that stands on its own. Having to prove to someone that I am disabled is beneath me. In fact, arguing that you are hurt or sick only puts you in a weakened position, and leaves you with a clear lack of strength or power.
The way I responded to her showed how I need to treat myself. Making sure we are being taken care of as human beings starts with us. Self-respect begins when we don’t engage in situations like this; even when our emotions are screaming to engage. We are the ones from whom dignity and strength need to originate. We are the ones who need to show we are worthy of respect by how we handle ourselves.
When all is said and done, our words cannot convince anybody of anything. How we act and what we stand for will do all the teaching and talking.